Archive for the ‘Miscellaneous’ Category

Lawyer Jokes (kinda)

Sunday, December 2nd, 2012

From my friend the Wrathful Brunette (*beverage alert*):

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:      He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:      My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?
WITNESS:      July 18th.
ATTORNEY:  What year?
WITNESS:      Every year.

ATTORNEY:   How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:       Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY:   How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS:       Forty-two years.

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:      Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:      Getting laid.

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Take a guess.

ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY:   Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:      Oral…

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:      Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.  ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law… or he could have been a democrat…

~ Blonde Gator

More Silly Stuff

Monday, September 3rd, 2012

The guy in the junkyard had me laughing so hard I was tearing up.  Enjoy!!!!

~ Blonde Gator

A Picture to Brighten the Day

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012

From my NewsBusters friend, BuffNBone.

Would You Dare Cut In?

Not sure where or when this was taken, but probably after one of the cycling events George Bush annually holds for our disabled veterans.  Thank you for the smile, Mr. President & young American hero!

~ Blonde Gator

A Confluence of a Couple of Things

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012

A Ragdoll cat (okay, probably a Siamese) sings the theme to Game of Thrones (IMO, one of the best “themes” to roll around since Out of Africa).

Enjoy.

~ Blonde Gator

Amazing

Wednesday, June 20th, 2012

The dinosaur media is trying its best to disparage Anne Romney for owning dressage horses.  Here is an amazing video of the best of the best of the sport of dressage.

Enjoy!

~ Blonde Gator

Awesome Picture, Seen at the UK Daily Mail

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

Check it out (it has a happy ending):

Enjoy Mother Nature, in all her glory.

~ Blonde Gator

 

Speaking of Friends…..

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

….they make the world go round!

h/t Wrathful Brunette

Just wanted to say thanks to all of my friends who supported me through the little “rip off” episode (which is NOT over yet, LOL).

~ Blonde Gator

Something Fun

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

I read another post today, that had a picture of a cockatoo…..which reminded me of Snowball, the rescue bird, dancing to the Back Street Boys (there are longer vids available on YouTube if this isn’t enough):

If that doesn’t make you smile, you must be terminally pissed off, because it has cracked me off every time I’ve seen it over the last four years or so.  Enjoy!!!

~ Blonde Gator

Cinco de Mayo

Saturday, May 5th, 2012

Moonrise

We headed over to the beach about a half hour before sunset.  Beautiful!

And perusing the UK Daily Mail today, I found this….which made my heart sing!  There are some amazing photos of the Super Moon there.  Enjoy!

Century Tower, University of Florida

~ Blonde Gator

A Labor of Love

Thursday, March 1st, 2012

Forgive me for going insane….but GAHHHHH!

The Iguana Man, for some unknown reason, decided it would be a positive and profitable exercise for me to reorganize my library in storage.  Thus far, twenty five HUGE boxes (I don’t have to lift them…so what do I care?) have been removed from storage, and unpacked.  The entire front half of my living room, approximately 200 square feet, is now consumed by PILES and PILES of books (every box, thus far, has been emptied).  Having said that….I know in my black little heart of hearts that there at least four of five missing boxes…maybe many more!

As of this very second, I have repacked five (exceedingly smaller) boxes, carefully cataloging each book on an Excel spreadsheet…author, type, series, paperback/hardcover, etc.  I am a bit of an Excel nerd, so I have actual numbers….thus far, approximately 130 books, 25 books per carton.  Which means I shall be at this exercise for at least another three weeks…..because I’m doing the easy ones first (all of the “beach type” reading)…..reference books (one of which, my 1935 Funk & Wagnall Dictionary, shall certainly take up a half a box all by itself), history books, and other truly important literature is going to be packed last.

I had no idea I was such a book junkie.  (Okay, not really…I’d rather cut my hair than let a half decent book out of my collection).  But I know, with certainty,  what has been unpacked, exactly which books I am missing!  And going through this process, I mourn the books which I know I’ve discarded over the years.  “Pitching” the excess in this little exercise, I am sure, is going to be a fight.

So for now, I soldier on….I’ve only tripped over the piles three our four times, and broken two toenails.  It would be rather interesting to find out the gross weight of this little project.  Not that I care, of course….books are books are books.  Beloved objects!

Ciao.

~ Blonde Gator